- I made it to day 12 of tackling my CPD. Then I failed, and failed again, and failed again. But now, I'm back on track. I'm on day 2 today, Friday.
- I noticed that my triggers to CPD are anxiety, worry, nervousness. I found out last week that a cousin was in the hospital because she OD'ed. I was crazy worried about her and her 3 children. Yes, 3 children, the oldest is 14 years old. It's hard for me because I live thousands of miles away from my family, but I feel like I should still be able to do something to help. Someone tell me what to do and I'll do it. Honestly. I somehow want to ease the burden, for her and for her children.
- I was also worried about my Grandma. Her sister passed away last week. And while I knew my great-aunt, I knew that she'd likely pass away soon. My Grandma isn't taking it too well. She's also ill herself; she has kidney failure and needs to be on a strict diet to get well and feel well. But she's not doing it. I worry for her. I want her to feel well and be healthy. I want to ease her burden.
- During this time of worrying, my face broke out and a test of all of my will came to the surface. I just could not stop touching my face in habitual nervousness. I couldn't stop thinking about the pimple on my face. I know it's gross; it's not a topic to discuss, but it's very serious ya'll. I got a dose of what it's like to be an addict. Thankfully, my addiction is only CPD, it could be worse. And trust me, I understand it. It's by far the hardest thing that I've had to try to change about myself...everything else seems easy. I know this sounds so dramatic and I guess in a way it is, but it's my life. Every little detail and every BIG detail.
- One would think with all of the yoga and meditation that I do, I could relax. But, I can't. I'm consciously aware of just how up-tight I really am. Good lord, what would I be like without my yoga and meditation practice? Om Namah Shivaya! :)
- On a happier note. I know this is all a phase. The worrying, the stress, the nervousness. This too shall pass. Just be in it, touch it, feel it and let it be. Then, let it go. I just sometimes want it to happen sooner than the emotions are ready.... sigh.
- My darling daughter will be 6 years old tomorrow. Wow, I can't believe how quickly she's growing up. She's a kind-hearted, beautiful girl. Happy Birthday ESW!
Friday, February 18, 2011
I'm not quite sure how to write everything that has been happening coherently, so I'll give it all to you in bullet point.