Friday, February 18, 2011


I'm not quite sure how to write everything that has been happening coherently, so I'll give it all to you in bullet point.

  • I made it to day 12 of tackling my CPD.  Then I failed, and failed again, and failed again.  But now, I'm back on track.  I'm on day 2 today, Friday.
  • I noticed that my triggers to CPD are anxiety, worry, nervousness.  I found out last week that a cousin was in the hospital because she OD'ed.  I was crazy worried about her and her 3 children.  Yes, 3 children, the oldest is 14 years old.  It's hard for me because I live thousands of miles away from my family, but I feel like I should still be able to do something to help.  Someone tell me what to do and I'll do it.  Honestly.  I somehow want to ease the burden, for her and for her children.
  • I was also worried about my Grandma.  Her sister passed away last week.  And while I knew my great-aunt, I knew that she'd likely pass away soon.  My Grandma isn't taking it too well.  She's also ill herself; she has kidney failure and needs to be on a strict diet to get well and feel well. But she's not doing it.  I worry for her.  I want her to feel well and be healthy.  I want to ease her burden.
  • During this time of worrying, my face broke out and a test of all of my will came to the surface.  I just could not stop touching my face in habitual nervousness.  I couldn't stop thinking about the pimple on my face.  I know it's gross; it's not a topic to discuss, but it's very serious ya'll.  I got a dose of what it's like to be an addict.  Thankfully, my addiction is only CPD, it could be worse.  And trust me, I understand it.  It's by far the hardest thing that I've had to try to change about myself...everything else seems easy.  I know this sounds so dramatic and I guess in a way it is, but it's my life.  Every little detail and every BIG detail.
  • One would think with all of the yoga and meditation that I do, I could relax.  But, I can't.  I'm consciously aware of just how up-tight I really am.  Good lord, what would I be like without my yoga and meditation practice?  Om Namah Shivaya! :)
  • On a happier note.  I know this is all a phase.  The worrying, the stress, the nervousness.  This too shall pass.  Just be in it, touch it, feel it and let it be.  Then, let it go.  I just sometimes want it to happen sooner than the emotions are ready.... sigh.
  • My darling daughter will be 6 years old tomorrow.  Wow, I can't believe how quickly she's growing up.  She's a kind-hearted, beautiful girl.  Happy Birthday ESW!

1 comment:

beki said...

Oh T, I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug! I'm sorry that I haven't been to this space recently. You've been on my mind lately...